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getting into heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay” the man says, “I attended church every Sunday”

“That’s good, says St. Peter, ” that’s worth two points”

“Two points?” he says. “Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church”

“Well, let’s see,” answers Peter, “that’s worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?”

“Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s certainly worth a point, ” he says.

“hmmm…,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“THREE POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“Come on in!”

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9 thoughts on “getting into heaven”

  1. An epilogue (from someone who once would have done exactly this):

    ***

    The next fellow in line overhears the conversation. When his turn comes, he steps boldly up to St. Peter. “I did all of the stuff that other guy did,” he declares. “And more.”

    “OK,” St. Peter says. “Ready when you are.”

    Half an hour later, the man’s still going. His score is up to 54, but he’s down to things like the time he got out of bed at 3 a.m. to let the cat out. St. Peter is awarding him fractions of points.

    Finally, the guy has had enough. Exasperated, he shouts, “I’ll never get to 100 at this rate!”

    “Exactly,” St. Peter says.

    “Forget it, then,” the man replies, walking away. “I’ll go someplace where I’m appreciated.”

  2. Not bad, Bosco – you get two points for this!

    (However, I may have to refer this to Tom Wright to see if this agrees with his Newer Perspective on Imputed Wrighteousness…)

  3. … on the other hand, the reference to ‘soup kitchen’ and ‘veterans’ sounds suspiciously Right-Wing American in provenance – so I’m deducting you two points here.

  4. Just for posterity’s sake, I’ve reused this for this SS Peter & Paul, but made it a little more culturally approachable.

    Tim

    A man dies and is greeted by St Peter at the gates of Heaven.
    “Welcome,” he says. “Rather like earthly immigration,
    we operate on a points system. 100 points and you’re in.
    What can you tell me about your life and conduct?”
    “Well,” says the man, “I was married for 50 years,
    and never once even thought about being unfaithful.”
    “Excellent,” says St Peter, checking his notes. “3 points.”
    “Oh. I was a faithful churchgoer for all my life.”
    “Good. 2 points.” said Peter.
    “Gosh. I tithed 10% of all my income?”
    “I can probably give you a point for that,” Peter replies.
    “A point? … I volunteered at the Foodbank,
    and started a soup-kitchen, an afterschool programme,
    oh yes, and an international charity?”
    “Well done,” says Peter, “2 more points.
    You’re well on your way.”
    “But…,” says the man, “I always tried to be faithful in prayer.”
    “Fantastic. 2 points.” says the Saint.
    “I’ve got no chance here!” says the man.
    “How but by the blinking grace of God Almighty does anyone ever get in here?!”
    “Bingo!” says St Peter, “In you go.”

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